Welcome to dating in the 21st century ladies and gents!
A fuckboy is one creature that can be found in this war zone, as a result of over privileged millennial males who thought they were gods gift to women. I was the first girl in my friendship group to really attempt to date in this current romantic climate, and I definitely came back to base with a few battle scars. I didn’t know what ghosting was, or even about tinder, I had to brave the terrain and figure it out myself.
So lie to yourself and pretend that he is a good guy, or read this, written to you from a girl who has been there, and move onto bigger and better things.
1. He Gives the Biggest Compliments and plans an even Bigger Future
He has done this before, he has a long list of girls he has successfully wooed and knows exactly what to say to make you feel special. I am not saying that you aren’t special or that he doesn’t want to go to that music festival with you in a month but I once dated this guy who said that I should come to Iceland (or something) with him when his sister gives birth. His sister was 18 weeks pregnant. A month later he turned around and said HE felt suffocated, that we were moving too fast and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. So just saying, weary of those boys who talk big and have zero follow through.
2. Speaking of Zero Follow Through…
He will always talk about things you should do or places you should go, but will NEVER MAKE PLANS. They will just throw you a ‘We should catch up’ or ‘When are you free’ text but makes no move to make concrete plans even after you’ve sent him your detailed schedule for the next week. Or even worse they say you should catch up tomorrow, tomorrow rolls around and you don’t hear from him. #boybye
3. They only text you between the hours of 9pm and 3am
Fuckboys love a late night text, they will never want to go out in the light of day with you but they will definitely hit you up at 11pm on any given night with ‘You up?’ or even worse ‘Wanna come over?’. I once hung out with this guy who would only want to see me at 10pm, and me - being young and dumb - would drive the 40 minutes to his house, and when I would complain about these last minute messages all he had to say was ‘You love it’.
4. He will never instigate a conversation about your ‘relationship’
Now I use the word relationship very loosely, but you guys have been hanging out and texting for a few months. He acts like he is your boyfriend and says he likes you but is all about no labels and never actually says you two are exclusive or god forbid uses the word ‘girlfriend’. Now brace yourself, because eventually you’ll get sick of this and ask ‘so where do you see us going?’. Be prepared to never hear from him again.
5. They don’t want to meet your family and friends
Sometimes they will let you meet there family and friends, sometimes they will protect them like they are in witness protection. This changes from fuckboy to fuckboy. However one thing for me has always stayed the same, he will never want to meet anyone who is apart of your life. Why? Because he doesn’t want to be apart of your life, plain and simple.
6. He will gaslight and lie to you on the reg
This one hurts because it makes you feel like you are insane and has the potential to really damage your stability. But I am telling you, if you feel like you are being treated like shit, chances are, you are probably being treated like shit. So when he says that he never actually ‘confirmed your plans on the weekend’ or he ‘never actually said that he would call you later’, or the best yet ‘you never said he couldn’t see other people’, stick to your guns and throw him out with the trash. Because he is garbage, through and through. I think the whole lying thing is pretty self explanatory but just to paint a pretty picture for you, I had been dating this guy for 4 months and found out that all those times he was too busy to hang out he was dropping off little bags of happiness. I should get an award for believing a lying drug dealer was falling in love with me. God I am naive.
7. His Instagram feed is the same as a 12 year old girls
You remember when you first got social media you just followed a bunch of famous hotties like Victoria Secret Models? Then realised 2 years later that you don’t actually care to see 500 asses a day? Well his hasn’t change, and you bet your bottom dollar he is double tapping every one of those in hope that he can physically get to tap that. Run for the hills girl. He doesn’t have eyes for just you, and he never will.
8. All of his exes are 'crazy'
The biggest red flag there ever was, and once I was told about this fun fact, it truly changed my life. Do you honestly believe that every one of his exes are crazy? Even that sweet girl you found when you were 3 years deep into his profile? Odds are, that he was what made them crazy, he was the common denominator after all. And you can bank on him turning around to the next girl saying that you too were crazy, all because you set his car on fire! Ditch him, and I definitely do (not) suggest setting that fuckboys car on fire.
9. Bad in bed
He is the first 5 minutes of bridesmaid bad and he truly has no idea. He believes that him and his peen are a gift, or worse, he knows he is bad and doesn’t care. He is extremely selfish in bed and probably doesn’t even know what the ‘g-spot’ is. His idea of foreplay is a peck and then a rough boob grab. I once slept with this guy who thought that tickling me was a good way to initiate sex. So I punched him pretending it was a nervous jerk and grabbed my shit, leaving him with a bruised face. Not sorry.
P.S. Dry those tears girl, do some retail therapy and move onto a real man!